Eden M. Kennedy

mission accomplished, pal

Eden M. Kennedy is the co-author (with Alice Bradley) of the book Let's Panic About Babies! (St. Martin's Press, 2011).

A former college-radio DJ, Mrs. Kennedy has driven cross-country six times in a 1973 Volkswagen Bug and enjoys standing on her head.

Currently she works at a nonprofit and is just about finished writing her first novel.

One person's reasonable risk is another person's trip to the pokey

Real Life Example #1

Man and woman enter coffeehouse, go to counter, order drinks, and wait. Parking lot security guard comes in thirty seconds later screaming, "Who left a baby in their car? WHO LEFT A BABY IN THEIR CAR??" Couple cheerfully admits their responsibility to guard, who then begins screaming, "SHAME ON YOU! You NEVER leave a baby alone in a car, EVER!" "I'm glad she's not my mom," declares the woman standing next to me holding a motorcycle helmet. Couple nervously comes back into coffeehouse, holding baby, to pick up their drinks. Someone hisses at them. As I exit, the couple is getting back into their car, which is parked ten feet away from the door and in full view of where they were waiting for their order. A dachshund is wiggling in the back seat next to the baby.

What were they thinking? "The dog will watch the baby."

The Public's opinion: "We are disgusted, and revile thee."

My conclusion: "Does everyone here realize what a pain in the ass is is to keep taking an increasingly agitated baby in and out of a car all day long when you're doing errands and then all you want is a fucking cup of coffee? That being said, would it have killed one of you to stay in the car?"

Real Life Example #2

Couple takes six-month-old to skateboard park. Man puts baby on skateboard on sidewalk, rolls baby back and forth, baby laughs. Man tucks baby under arm like football, gets on skateboard, slowly starts skating inside skate park. Man builds up confidence, gets set to drop in to almost vertical bowl, still holding baby. Bystander shouts that she will call child protective services if he does not stop. Man reconsiders, says, "For you, I'll stop." Bystander says, "Me? You should stop for your baby." Man says, "He likes it." Baby's mother (?) says nothing.

Reasoning behind this decision? "Despite his lack of protective gear, this baby is safe with me because I would never do anything to hurt him."

The Public thinks: "Bad move, dude."

My esteemed observation: "I know you can blunt to fakie, and you feel immortal, man, but your life will seem even longer than most when you spend the rest of it caring for a brain-damaged child."

Real Life Example #3

Two lawyers put Nestle's Strawberry Quik into their infant's bottles of formula.

Why in hell would they do that? "He wasn't drinking enough, so we thought he'd take more if we made it taste good."

Their pediatrician said: "I am left in stunned silence. You two went to law school?"

I'm like: "That strawberry shit is nasty; I prefer chocolate."